IN THE BREAD
(Excerpt) by Rosemary Herold
(BENNIE, the new Head of Production, sits at BERTRAM’s desk typing, low ponytail, pen behind her ear. BERTRAM and all employees wear exact replicas of BENNIE’s shirt now and sit at their desks, typing; some have even grown out their hair and also wear a low ponytail, pens behind their ears. BENNIE prints out an inventory.)
BENNIE
Banana—
(BERTRAM scoffs, hands her another pen; she signs it, smirks and hands it to BERTRAM who takes it to RUNNER, who gives him a piece of cake which he brings back to BENNIE. Her phone rings.)
BENNIE
(Swipes frosting with a finger, answers) This is Abduction, Billie shrieking,— (Sucks finger) Go, I won’t gaunt a deport on employee 'paraphernalia,'—... Bet me sore Hanna Barbera cartoons. Diamond collection. (Hangs up) Buster, bet me a fork.
(BERTRAM, still holding cake, pulls a coin out of his pocket and proceeds to flip beatenly. An alarmingly well-dressed man in Wayfarers throws the door open. His name is PENDENNIS.)
PENDENNIS
What is the meaning of kiss.
BENNIE
Pendennis. (Rises) I would’ve prone. (Begins lying face-down on carpet)
PENDENNIS
Have you the regency to sit on my face?
BENNIE
(Getting up) Gladly.
(PENDENNIS angrily grabs a piece of printer paper and draws a horrifying, smiling face on it while staring pointedly at Bennie. She puts it on her chair without breaking eye contact; they sit.)
BENNIE
Now: what can I do for you Pen.
PENDENNIS
(Twirling pen flirtatiously, leans on desk) I.. would ask for a banana, but as you can see (places it on his upper lip)... I already am one. (A beat. They burst out laughing. Bennie gingerly wipes away her smearing mascara.) Ahh Billie; it’s been too long. When did we ever shoot the ears off a mountain, Brian?!
BERTRAM
Uhhhh—
PENDENNIS
(Clapping him on the shoulder) Feels like yesterday.
BENNIE
(Taking pen from behind her ear, licks it) I must ask about your.. (seductively) writhing habits, Mr. Menace.
PENDENNIS
(Confidentially) Coincidentally,—(leaning in again) I raved at Venice a half an hour ago. While he was shoeing the fawn. (Nods towards Bertram.)
BENNIE
(Nods subtly in Bertram's direction, makes a note) And a great device it made, too. (Stands) Feed me.
PENDENNIS
Only if you enlist.
(BENNIE salutes. BERTRAM, still appalled, hands PEN the cake/fork, PEN feeds her.)
BENNIE
Excellent; now, what is the Head of Amounting doing at my doorstep this fine Wednesday morning?
PENDENNIS
We’re in the bread.
(All employees gasp. Bennie considers.)
BENNIE
(Ceremoniously) Let us eat: cake.
(All applaud and whoop uproariously.)
PENDENNIS
Very good. I hope to be cavorting with you more in the near future, Miss Christie. (Bows slightly)
BENNIE
(Offers backside) Kiss me.
PENDENNIS
(Winks) You and everyone else, babe.
(Exits. Bennie’s phone rings.)
PANCAKES OR WHAT... IS IN THE OVEN?
(Excerpt) by Rosemary Herold
(The top floor of a corporate office building: coarse, scorched carpet; a few cubicle walls lean at precarious angles, half-burned away. A fallen filing cabinet downstage of elevator doors R, nearly empty water cooler far DR. An overturned desk L, UL, UR, telephones on the floor and papers, sticky notes and staplers strewn about; several notices and posters hang by threads off the walls C and L; entrance to jammed elevator R. Smashed knick-knacks, books, crumpled paper cups, etc. spilling out of overturned wastebaskets. There is a blackened mini-fridge DL, humming, next to tiny telescope. Man is asleep on fridge, curled up in a blanket. Woman sits on fallen filing cabinet, staring emptily at water cooler, holding paper cup. There is a small rubber duck on top of the water cooler. Both the Man and Woman look ghastly—scratched, sooty; dead inside. Man sits bolt upright.)
MAN
It wasn’t me.
WOMAN
(Long pause. Looks at him.) What?
MAN
What wasn't?
WOMAN
Wasn't what?
MAN
(Nonplussed. Getting up) Where are my socks.—
WOMAN
(Mimicking him) On “Io or Ganymede..?”
MAN
(Scratching head, turning in circle) Have they gone to bed..??
WOMAN
Or have they gone to bed.
MAN
(Eyes wide) Or do they have beds..!
WOMAN
Or do the beds have them.
MAN
(Staring at her concernedly)
Thebe and Lysithea have not had beds since before the Velvet Revolution. You of all people should know that. (Of duck) What is this for?
WOMAN
Your diaphragm.
MAN
My diaphragm needs no assistance..
WOMAN
How would you know.
MAN
Io or Ganymede?
WOMAN
(Sighs) Io or Ganymede..
MAN
When they align—
MAN
Scylla and Charibdys.
WOMAN
(Beat) Nick of time.
MAN
Tro-i-lus, Cressida.
WOMAN
Walking the line—
MAN
Shall I compare thee—
WOMAN
A Gideon sign.
MAN
Leave it alone, and it's usually fine.
WOMAN
Give me a reason—
MAN
Almost a rhyme,—
WOMAN
Flip for a dozen,—
MAN
Or turn on a dime,—
WOMAN
Flaying for keeps,—
MAN
As we're playing for time—
WOMAN
Unusual suspects—
MAN
The usual.. crime. (Snaps) Unfair.
WOMAN
How so?!
MAN
The Duck was not refereeing to the best of his ability, as he has been feverish.
(Woman pets duck protectively.)
Additionally, the altitudinous metriculation of your rhyme scheme was in simile unsound. There was no way the peach frosting could have made an appearance. (Woman continues petting duck. Long pause.) This prolonged diffidence shall prove antecedent. I am trying not to be resentful of him. (Wrests duck away from her and chucks it across the room.)
WOMAN
Why would you be resentful of him?
MAN
(Sensually, dark)
He has what I have long desired: (long beat) Death. (Walks to burn mark.) Have you scrubbed this drain with a toothbrush?
WOMAN
(Introspectively) What do I have to say to that..!
MAN
My female and I have been grinning regularly. (Grins widely, showing teeth.)
WOMAN
(Bristling) I don’t have a toothbrush.
MAN
It may not be fair, but it is slapping,..!(Swings an elbow and high-fives her. Skips to duck. Stares down at it.) I am in need of assistance.
WOMAN
(Turns her back to him.)
MAN
I am in need of assistance.
WOMAN
What kind?
MAN
Culinary. (Beat) Will you provide me with culinary assistance?
WOMAN
(Sighs) All right. (Together they move back to duck, pick it up together, and
place it on top of one of the overturned filing cabinets.) Is that all you need?
MAN
Yes. (Kneels down, rolls over, goes to sleep. Woman stares at him.
Takes duck down and puts it in mini fridge.)
MAN
(Waking, slamming palms on ground)
Soundly, soundly,—
WOMAN
The envelopes hatched while you were asleep.
MAN
Wassal! (Slams fist on filing cabinet) I shall wine and dine your mother.
WOMAN
(Frowns at audience.) I have a sad agenda. (Opens fridge door. Sticks her head inside.) Why does this lobster stink so bad.
MAN
(Explanatorily) He is where he was..! He swallowed an entire cauliflower.. (Man walks to her.) My elbow is simple. (Shows her)
(Woman is reluctantly distracted from searching fridge to look at his elbow. Man bends down and looks in fridge next to her. Takes duck out and raises it on high.)
MAN
(Illustriously) I have filled the universe with tempura. Take my bowling ball. (Gives her the duck and reopens fridge. Takes a big whiff; sighs. Falls asleep inside. Wakes shortly, with a light snort.) I been walking up the salamander for dayyyz. (Stretches, yawns)
WOMAN
You could've been fired..!
MAN
My dad is a table made of snowy legs.
WOMAN
I smell your clothes in your absence.
(His eyes get wide in surprise and confusion.)
WOMAN
(Leans in, sensually) While you're wearing them.
(Man stands stiffly and walks to the opposite wall; stares at it for several seconds. Walks back to woman.)
WOMAN
(Blankly) Can I help you?
MAN
(Sensually/dark, as before) What you could do for me, no law could require.
(Man takes her by the shoulders.) I want you to tell me... what… is in the oven.
(Pregnant pause.)
WOMAN
(Weakly) ..ppanccakes.
MAN
(Dramatically, like an old movie.) I’ve never had: pan cakes. (They look like they’re about to kiss.) Are they.. any good?